Changes

I was reading through my niece's blog (Kerri Andersen), and it occurred to me that blogging is sort of a good way to vent and share things with people. I need a way to do that, pretty desperately, in a place where I can be completely honest and not be afraid of what people may think, or be concerned about being "unprofessional".  Sometimes it helps me process my stress and/or feelings when I write down exactly what it is that is happening.  It helps me make sense of my jumbled and hurried thoughts. Also, if you are reading this, you're probably either my VERY close friend or family. I realize that there are many blogs out there just like this one, but hopefully this will help me understand myself better.

So since I graduated from school in 2011, I have worked as a nurse for almost two years at two different hospitals.  I have worked at Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center for a little over a year and a half on the cardiac ward.  It has been very difficult for me to balance the enormous stress I feel while at work, and the all-important responsibility of being a wife and mother. I had an experience the other day that was really important for me to remember, so I thought I would record it here.  I was having a hard day, which happens the majority of the time as a nurse.  I never would have become a nurse if I had really knew what kind of stress I would experience on a daily basis.  I had a nonverbal  patient with cerebral palsy who was having a very hard time breathing, a patient who was going to have heart surgery, and was very anxious and in a lot of pain, as well as experiencing nausea....I also was in charge of a man who was so hard of hearing that I had to YELL at the top of my lungs in order for him to hear me, on top of which he was blind, and he couldn't move around due to a giant draining wound on his groin.  I was discharging a patient as well.  I was stressed and tired, and worried about what my kids were doing at home.  I feel that way most of the days I am at work.  Especially at about 4:00 in the afternoon.  I just hit a wall.  I have long since decided that 12 hours is too long to do anything, however, I am always surrounded by colleagues that have worked the previous day, and are not as tired as stressed as I am.  I wonder why I have such a hard time, and others don't????  Anyway, I was in the middle of taking care of all these people, and hadn't gone to the bathroom or eaten or drank anything for many hours...I went into the charting room in my hall to hide from everyone and take a breather, when I noticed out the window that the sun was setting.  It was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen.  I know that it wasn't a coincidence that I looked out the window and noticed that beautiful sunset.  I could feel in my heart the words, "Monica, this is for you."  I felt so much peace and love at that moment, and was able to finish out the day.  I knew that everything would be ok, and that God loves me. 
If it weren't for moments like these, I don't think I could keep being a nurse. I know that God knows me as an individual, and appreciates what I do.